Where's the money? or Where the money is?

In these troubled, and depressing economic times it's not uncommon for me to be roused from my afternoon nap by a call from some total stranger from some dingy midwestern collection ageny, who only wants to know, where's the money?

In my wilder days, I used to dread such calls. For some reason they never believed me when I told them the "check was in the mail."

But now I am serene and calm when I get one of these calls, because the I am still able to pay my bills on time. That means that surly representative of the dingy midwestern collection agency is looking for some poor unfortunate who has fallen behind on their payments and given their lender my telephone number. One time I got such a call from an agency who looking for my ex-wife. I was happy to help. The Ex and I are still good friends and I had her number handy.

Today was a little different. I was had roused myself and was slowly awakening when my phone range. On the other end was an unctuous and somewhat business-like female voice.

"May I speak with James Jacks?" she asked.
"This is "James," I reply somewhat cautiously.
"Mr. Jacks, my name is Wilemina Sutton and I am calling from the ***** card company." (You see their ads on tv. They have put a smiley face on usury :).

Now at the moment I was as happy as a good Christian holding five aces. I knew I didn't owe them any money. So I decided to cultivate a jovial air.
"I bet they call you Willie."
"What? I don't understand?"
"You know after Willie Sutton, the famous bank robber..."
"Who?"
"Well, he was the guy who when asked 'Why do you rob banks?' supposedly replied 'Because that's where the money is.'"
"No," she said her voice as icy as an artic wind. "They don't call me Willie."
"Well Ms. Sutton, what can I do for you?"

Her voice again became business like and friendly and reminded me of a beat cop gently lecturing the town drunk.

"We noticed that you hadn't been using your credit card lately. We wanted to know why is it that you're not buying things with your credit card. Or are you using another card instead?" There was a slightly peevish tone to this question as if she was my ex-wife asking me "Is there someone else?"
Well that's one reason" I said, sounding a little guilty, "the interest on your card is kinda high and so I don't use it very often."
"Well let me see, maybe we can do something about that. I see your interest rate is 19%, I could lower it to 17.5%, or we're offering a special promotion and I can give you a 3% rate for six months and ofcourse there's the 5% rewards program which gives up to 5% off any travel done between now and tomorrow."
I could almost hear the :) face in her voice. "I think I'll take the 17.5% rate."
"Wonderful is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Yes, I was wondering, what is the percentage of my default credit rate?"
"It's 28%, that only kicks in if you are over your credit limit or you are behind on your payments."
"I know and that why I don't use one of my credit cards, because the unilaterally raised my default rate to 30%. Which doesn't seem fair especially if I am a good customer and I do pay my bills on time."
"I'm sorry but I can't lower that rate, but we are very eager to work with you if just call and tell us you're having problems."
"I didn't intend to have any problems of that kind Willie, I mean Ms. Sutton," I replied. "Thank you for calling I really enjoyed talking to you."
"Thank you Mr. Jacks and if there's anything we can do to encourage you to use your card, please feel free to call our customer service number. Our operators are always happy to help."

So I said goodbye to Ms. Sutton. But her call made me wonder. I am what the credit card companies call a "deadbeat." In everyday parlance, a deadbeat is someone who doesn't pay their bills. In credit card parlance a deadbeat is someone pays their bills on time and pays off their balances every in full every month. Card companies hate deadbeats because they don't make as much money off them.

Times must really be tough if one my credit card companies calls because they're concerned because I am not outrageously in debt to them. I find it interesting that they have a portfolio of special offers to intice me to get in debt to them, but are totally unwilling to waive fees or lower interest rates that punish me should I ever be unable to pay my bills due to catastrophic illness, divorce, unemployment or any one of the many financial disasters that we're all exposed to in these dangerous economic times. Pundits and the credit industry would like people to believe that people become delinquent on their credit cards because they lack self-discipline and spend more than they can afford. That is not the case in most situations. Most Americans handle their debt responsibly except when they are disabled, catastrophically ill, lose their job or experience some kind of financial castastrophe.

Ofcourse a deadbeat like me has to have money socked away somewhere. It makes sense for them to give me a call. Maybe I'll fall back into my old spendthrift ways. Or maybe I'll get sick or lose my job and have to use my credit card to survive.

Hopefully that won't happen, not today anyway. Meanwhile the 21st Century Willie Suttons are calling to encourage me to use my credit card or asking Congress for a handout. As Woody Guthrie once said about the last Great Depression. In his song Pretty Boy Floyd Guthrie wrote,

Yes, as through this world I've wandered I've seen lots of funny men; Some will rob you with a six-gun, And some with a fountain pen.
And as through your life you travel, Yes, as through your life you roam, You won't never see an outlaw Drive a family from their home.

Capitano Tedeschi

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