Bank of America Cover Letter

Mr. Kenneth D. Lewis,
Chairman
Bank of America Corporation
100 North Tryon St., 18th Fl.
Charlotte NC 28255

Dear Mr. Lewis:

The purpose of this letter is to request an interview to discuss how I might help Bank of America during this current financial crisis. I have several ideas that could help B of A to improve its profitability in spite of its unfortunate losses of billions of dollars due to bad investments in complex financial instruments, the subprime real estate market, and unwise corporate acquisitions

First of all, I want to congratulate you for making the tough decision of firing Mr. John Thain. Any executive that gets caught spending $1.2 million on an office renovation while the Corporation is in the process of laying off thousands of employees, destroying the life savings of thousands of its stockholders, and losing billion of dollars in sub prime mortgages, deserves more than a pink slip, he deserves…well we’ll have to wait until Jenna Bush is our first female president to bring back crucifixion or the guillotine. Can’t be too soon in my opinion.

Mr. Thain’s bum rush from the gilded halls of B of A’s New York office is but the first of several steps that must be taken to bring the bank back to lofty position of America’s largest investment house and restore its stock price from $6.30 to $45.08. It will not be easy bring BOA back to profitability after its stock price has fallen 86% but I think I can help the bank return to its once lofty position on the Olympus of Wall Street.

First it is important to state my qualifications to fill Mr. Thain’s shoes. I have had five years experience managing my private assets and have taken an initial of investment of $200,000 and tripled it. In real estate, I was fortunate to have benefited twice from Bakersfield’s once-booming real estate market. In 2002, I sold a condo in Kern City and bought a house in S.W. Bakersfield from sellers who were, to put it lightly, highly motivated. It soon doubled in price in the housing bubble collapsed in 2006. Fortunately, I have never viewed my house as an investment, but as a place to live and I don’t plan on moving until I have a stroke or something and wind up face down in the cream corn and have to move into a HOHOOHO—Home. Still, my house is worth more than I paid for it, provided I could find a fool dumb enough to buy it. Wait a minute, I just had a geat idea! Perhaps Mr. Thain or one of his former Merrill croniesay might be looking to downsize from their Manhattan properties. With your help, I am sure I could arrange a swap. Bakersfield real estate is just one of my many successful investments. I have also done fairly well investing in stocks.

The stock portion of my portfolio has benefited from the recent bull market of 2002-2006 and has held its value despite of the best of efforts of all those bozos (present company excluded) on Wall Street. This is due to the fact that one of the first things I did was fire my stockbroker (can you believe it that guy wanted me to buy unsecured FreddieNotes and Bristol Meyers at $42). He stopped cold-calling me with bad investment ideas once it dawned on him that I could read a bond prospectus and an annual report. I’ve made my share of mistakes as an investor by firing my stockbroker was not one of them. I’ve made even less mistakes since I decided to move most of my assets into either low-cost index fund or into stocks of companies that actually make things such as band-aids, electricity, water, and petroleum products. Even in the current bear market my portfolio has only lost 30% of its value compared to B of A’s 86% decline in market capitalization. Who knows with my track record B of A’s stock might soon be selling at $31 instead at $6.30.

The key to my success was to realize that I couldn’t beat all the so-called sharpies on Wall Street by trying to be a stock picker and that I had absolutely no talent trying to convince movie stars and Palm Beach socialites that my financial derivatives were capable of returning 14% per year because I had a guy named Rumplestiltskin who could turn straw into gold or subprime mortgages into AAA-rate mortgage bonds.

As I mentioned earlier I have considerable experience at firing stockbrokers and it appears that B of A and Wall Street in general have way to many of those folks handling other people’s money. Much better to get rid of the stockbrokers and encourage mom and pop investors to get into low-cost index funds and stay away from investing in stocks and alternative investments that have no basis in reality.

Needless to say, that my experience shows that if I were given an executive position at B of A, the organization would have to profoundly change the way it does business. It might have to go back to its old business model of taking deposits from ordinary citizens, paying a fair rate of interest and loaning the monies gained from those deposits at a higher rate of interests to companies and entrepreneurs who will create the new economy for the 21st century and eventually pay the bank back. Boring old banking as the new way to invest. A concept whose time has returned!!! I know it’s hard to believe that a bank could make money conducting its business like that. But at one time they did.

I know you are a busy man, I imagine you spend most of your time trying to figure out of if your stock options are still worth anything. But I hope to give my request for an interview serious consideration. I could say that you could do worse than hiring me to help you run your company, but then let’s be honest you have done pretty bad with out my help. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Capitano Tedeschi

Ca’ San Marco

Bakersfield.

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